Ugly ducklings
To All Who Are Thinking To Die

Introduction

Thank you for taking this book. If chose it because of the title, you might be having a hard time now. Are you going to commit suicide tonight? Or are you going to do that tomorrow? Or are you hesitating because you are scared of death?

I wrote this book because I want you to read it before you try to take your own life.

Everybody has his or her own problem, which might be nothing to people but might be very serious to others. You may think that it is not my business and I cannot understand how people are suffering. To tell the truth, I have tried to commit suicide long time ago, however I am alive now. I can never forget how much I was afraid of death. That is why I can really understand the situation, which you are in.

You are scared of it, aren’t you? I am going to elaborate my horrified experience. Actually I do not want to remember and feel that people should not know about my terrible experience, but I dare write it to encourage others who have similar problems.

If I pick up more courage, I feel I can help more people save their precious lives. I do not mean I preach some particular religion. All I want to do is making people understand others and dissuading you from committing suicide. As a woman of experience, I just want to tell you that you are not an ugly duckling but a swan.

July 2000 Yuki Okada


Far-Off Starry Sky

(lyric & Music By Yuki Okada)

A lot of stars are shining
in the dark sky
It has only one hope
wich was found in dark after long

Look at the blue sky
Don't be confused
Hurry with your mind
Looking for far-off stars

The starry sky holds everything
living your neglectiful mind
Protect your most lovable things

Loock at the blue sky
Don't be confused
Hurry with your mind
Looking for far-off stars

(1) Japanese Ordinary Middle Class Family


My Bright Two Brothers

My hometown is Kyoto and my parents owned a small textile industry there. They used to work very hard from early morning till late at night. Sometimes they quarreled in their work place but normally they got on well with each other because they had the same point of view.

I grew up in this family, which seemed to be a middle class family in the community. However I had a tough time with my family.

I was the youngest child, my senior brother, Chikara was seven years older and my junior brother, Takashi was five years older than I was. Two of them looked alike in everything. They were intelligent; therefore their teachers like them. They were also typical honor students and very shrewd, and they wanted to be the best in everything.

My father who liked classical music very much influenced my brothers and therefore they were members of the musical club which they liked best, and always saying all other kinds of music were inferior.

Anyway, they hated to be lowered in everything by everyone.

When I was six years old, I received a prize in art contest. My parents admired me very much and put the picture on the wall but my brothers said that it was not a good picture, as a result, my parents also started saying the same thing which made me to lose interest in painting.

It was not easy for me to follow my brothers because I was too young and small. They used to insult me saying I was foolish and could not do anything enough, but I kept following them and used to cry all the time.

When I remembered those days, I feel there was nothing I could do because they were much older than I was. When they insulted me, they felt good and bossy. Hence I became a victim of my brothers, bullying.



My Hard Life In My Family

Even though I told my parents that my brothers maltreated me, they did not assist me in any way. My brothers pretended to be good to my parents and it made neither of them to trust me. My parents always said, “We were busy right now. We’ll listen to you later. All you have to do is to listen to your brothers. Why can’t you do anything like your brothers?” My brothers were most important to them.

Because of my brothers people thought Kawai family was like a model of a good family. However my parents did not have much confidence in what they did and worried how people thought of them. Actually they had been putting up a false picture about themselves and it was very important for them to keep up that appearance.

My family liked that impression but it gave me a hard time.



I Was An Outlet For Their Emotions

It might have been easy for my brothers to bully me because I was much younger than they were. When they got tired of that false impression; being nice, they bullied me to release their stresses. They have even told me face to face that I was the outlet for their emotions. They told me not to mention it to my parents. They did not allow me to have my freedom.

None of my friends bullied me. However if you are bullied at school, it is the same situation as I experienced.

I expected my parents would understand and protect me but they just cared about how people think of them. There was nobody to give me the proper direction. I was not comfortable staying with them so I thought of looking for a better place where someone could understand me.

Maybe I had been bullied at school, too, but comparatively the bullying at school was almost nothing because the one at home was much more severe. I enjoyed school life, could relax there and I liked being with my friends.

But I had no place to go after school except my horrible home. I wondered why my family put up a different attitude at home and outside. Sometimes I felt totally depressed and I could see my family was doing something nasty but there was nothing I could do. As a result, I started thinking of becoming an adult faster so I could be on my own.



“The Ugly Duckling”

I had a feeling that I was not their child because they did not have that parental skill and it made me very stubborn and to misbehave to them.

I had no dream. There was nobody to advise and understand me. I was daydreaming all the time. Mostly in bed I was imagining of having wonderful parents who would give me love, for example, I was always dreaming of my mother to be like Mitsuko Mori, an actress and my father to be Eiji Funakoshi, an actor. In my imagination I even gave them good heartfelt words like in dramas. In my dream I was very happy and had good sound sleep.

One day in a library I found a book titled “The Ugly Duckling” written by Andersen, which was very popular. The ugly duckling got lost while it was in the egg stage. It was hatched as a duckling but was more ugly than other ducklings, so they insulted and bullied it but it tried to catch up with them. It was very sad. But finally it became a beautiful swan and found its real mother.

When I read the book, I believed I was in the same situation as the ugly duckling. I wanted to believe I could find my real parents one day, but I really looked like my parents that made me sad.

The Things That Changed My Life

When I was about twelve years old, it happened to me and changed my life completely.

There was nobody apart from my senior brother, Chikara and I. I cannot remember why my parents were not there that day. While I was sleeping, I felt something in my bed. Chikara was in my bed and was touching my body. I did not understand his motive. He spoke to me very kindly, touched my body and asked me, “How do you feel?” Surprisingly he was not usually kind to me like that, so I allowed him to do everything he wanted. In the end I was deprived of my virginity while I did not know what he was doing. After that he told me not to mention it to our parents.

Afterwards he became kind to me but once a while he treated me more cruelly than before. I did not tell anybody about the incident for a long time because I was scared of him.

At puberty I developed more interest in love, talked about it with my friends and got to know many things. Then I realized what my brother did to me, an unforgettable incident. Most girls have nice dreams to fall in love with somebody special and make love with him. I never had that opportunity to fall on love with anybody and lost hope as an ideal woman at that time.



There Is Nobody To Aid Me

After I thought about it for some time I decided to tell my mother about it because she was a woman and I expected her to give me some soothing words to relieve me of my pain, but somehow, she did not believe me and said, “Don’t tell me a lie. He would not do something like that. If he really did it, you should forgive him because he is your brother. If it’s true, never tell your father about it.” My feeling was hurt by mother’s response; a sign of an irresponsible mother.

My father warned me not to have any intimate relationship with my male classmates, so I was scared of him and I never told him about the incident.

There was another reason why my mother wanted to hide the truth. Chikara studied in Tokyo Geijutsu University and beside he went to study in California. That time few people could do that, most of our neighbors knew it and my mother was proud of him. So she did not want to listen to me and believe me.

I needed their assistance but they always disappointed me. However I kept on expecting something good but in the end I lost hope.

The Way I Alleviated Stress

I wondered what my mental food for living was.

I was always lonely, daydreaming and liked singing songs. When I was depressed and sad, I dressed up and sang songs in front of my mother’s dresser like a music star. Singing made me forget everything that depressed me and gave me hope about my future, and I could feel very fine.

There was a woman living at a temple near my house and sometimes I visited her. Also I liked visiting my cousins who liked music, just to be away from home. The woman was intelligent and stylish. She taught me many things, talked about some famous artists such as Gogh and Rubens, some famous arts and sometimes myths. She was always listening to classical music. One of my cousins, a high school student, liked Beatles very much. He usually played the records loudly. Most of the time some of his friends were there and I liked staying with them. One other cousin liked “Group Sounds” but one day she stopped listening to that kind of music and gave me all of her records. I was very happy and listening to them everyday. That was how I got to know many popular songs. When I sang and danced in front of the woman and my cousins, they admired me. “Try to sing at home for your parents. They might like it, too.” They said. However my parents just scolded me instead of encouraging me. “Why are you doing stupid things? Who taught you that? Never do that again,” said my parents. But I loved music and it helped me to forget about many things, which embarrassed me. I expressed myself in singing.


Dream

My dream is big
You will be surprized to hear that
I want to sing in front of people
all over the world
My parents don't know mytalent
They don't even know
What I am thinking about
Somebody said,
"If you try, you will get
what you want.
If you don't try, you'll never
get what you want."
I like that

Sometimes it is not easy to make a
dream come true
Many people say,"Don't do that,"
but I want to do that
I might be stubborn
Nobody knows how wonderful I am
I want to do my best all the time
It is easy to say that but it is
difficult to do it
I will make my dream come true
I don't care even though my dream
is broken
Because I have a lot of dreams

(2) My School Days




A Sick Child


When I was in grade two in elementary school, I got a problem with my kidney and stayed in a hospital. I had been sick and weak for one month, and sometimes had blood in my urine. Whenever I told my parents that I was tired or had a headache, they scolded me. So I could not tell them any longer. I was worried if I had a serious problem.

One day I visited my aunt’s house and said, “Auntie, I have blood in my urine.” She was surprised and mentioned it to my parents. I was admitted in the hospital. As expected my parents got angry with me and said, “Why didn’t you tell us?” but fortunately there was my aunt and she protected me from their unthinkable scolding.

Due to my illness my parents gave flimsy excuses about their incapability of taking good care of me and that made me stop doing everything, which deprived me of my freedom. When I was in the lower grades of elementary school, I could not join physical education class. When I got to the higher grades, I became better and could join them but I was worse than most of my classmates in physical strength. Besides I did not eat well and was too skinny. I was totally malnourished.

When I became a junior high school student, I joined a softball club.

I had been thinking I did not want to do the same thing as my brothers. I did not want classical music. Then I had a chance to go for softball orientation with my friend. I was not good at all in physical education and I did not really like softball. But the senior people of the club were persuasive so much that I could not decline. Furthermore I wanted to do something against my mother’s wishes. She did not want me to join any sports club.

During my junior high school days I never trusted my mother. She promised buying me clothes but she never did and just gave a lot of excuses. But she often bought something for my brothers. On her birthday I bought something for her. I really had to think about what to choose for her with my small money. However she never appreciated what I gave her and I never saw her using them. Far from that, she gave them out to somebody else. In contrast with that, she liked receiving things from my brothers. “It’s very nice. You know what is good for me.” She said that to compliment my brothers.

Because of her behavior I could not believe her and my repulsion against her was growing day by day.




My Confidence In Sports


I joined softball club because it was against my mother’s wishes and I wanted to be away from her for a while. At the beginning I thought I would quit soon because I was not very strong and could not compete with other teammates.

When I started, there were eighteen first-grade girls. There were various duties everyday because we were new. After some time our seniors made some of us join the training. We had to do more difficult chores but I did not care about it. I was a junior and all I had to do was to do what my seniors told me.

One day one of the seniors told us about the batting order. “It’s not order of merit.” She said but I could see it was actually nothing but order of merit. I was shocked because they gave me the last position. I was not strong and there was nothing I could do but it made me sad and felt like a dropout. Even in my family they talked about me as if I was a dropout. I was too sad and mortified. Whenever I join them, I was ashamed of myself and got angry with them. I thought, “I should be raised to a higher position even if it’s only one higher.” I was having extra training after school. My neighbor often came and helped me playing catch. Sometimes baseball club members also helped me so I was happy and became more interested in it.

Training was very hard for us. Some teammates left the club after some time. In the end we were only fourteen people in the club and I got the thirteenth position. It was almost the same as the last position but I felt so happy as it could change my life.

If I make an effort, I can improve on my position because sports depend on nothing but ones effort and hard work. I thought I was actually a dropout because I had been told by my parents that I was nothing and hopeless. But sports gave me confidence. That was the first time in my life.

Sometimes my spirit went down low but I never gave up. I did not mind my family saying, “See, you can’t do anything as expected.” I believed I had something I could do better than my brothers. I also expected my parents to listen to me if I become excellent at doing things. That was why I could keep on trying in sports and got promoted. If I put in more effort, people would appreciate what I do. This made me to know that nothing was impossible if you push yourself a little harder.

I Was Against Bullying


In my family they never tried to see how much I was making an effort but the parents of my friends were different. They believed me and said, “ You are really a good girl but we don’t understand why your parents don’t take good care of you.” It made me pick up much courage in doing things.

Most of the time I was engaged in sports during my junior high school days. I also had some delinquent friends unexpectedly and was moving with them. Sometimes they bullied me but I never yielded to them and always challenged them. They did not like my attitude. Sometimes they took me to a hidden place, surrounded me and beat me up. I became very scared of them but pretended not to be and shouted to frighten them, “You’re many and I’m only one. It’s not fair.” This made them to run away. When they kept disturbing me, I asked them what they wanted. Being patient did not give me anything good so I was always challenging them. Similarly a dog that people think is quiet suddenly barks. I think they just took me to a hidden place without any reason. Maybe some of them just followed other people. Actually I was scared of them but I could alleviate the stress that was created by my family. I did not have any weapon like a knife. I was just angry. When they beat me, I did the same thing to them. I was fighting back, thinking that I never wanted to yield. I had to solve my problems myself. If my parents had known these problems they would have scolded me more in an insidious way. These students threatened me but I was very desperate and it made them to be scared of me, too.

Without any body's assistance I just had to overcome my difficulties.



A Girls’ School


I went to a private girls’ school. The school had a very good softball club and that was why I chose the school. Off course I joined softball club and trained harder than the time when I was in junior high school to get used to the new environment. I had much confidence and with my effort I got a good position.

My coach took good care of me. Sometimes he gave me a ride in his car from the school or playground to my house. My teammates might have been jealous of me. I did not like their behavior very much. They were not responsible, changed their attitude easily and lied a lot. I became not to believe people day by day. Sometimes I did something that was good for them but they never appreciated it.



Hunting


On the way going home one day I tried to go to coffee shop with one of my friends, T.K. We were waiting for a train at the station. That time I had resigned from the club because I was injured. I went to hospital and the doctor told me to stop softball. My coach did not want me to stop and tried to persuade me not to leave. Another reason why I wanted to leave was I wanted to try something else in my youthful days. Since then my coach bore me a grudge.

I sometimes broke the school rules. I went to coffee shop and smoked there. I organized a female rock band; that time there was a popular female rock band called “Runaways”. I experienced many interest things.

By the way our high school was in Kyoto and it was close to Gion, an entertainment town where nightlife was at its peak. The environment was not very good for young girls. Some of my schoolmates were trying to become actress or “geisha” and some were into “enjo-kousai” (young girls dating old men for money).

Anyway, when we were waiting for a train, two handsome men approached us. They were looking for women to have fun with. I call them B and C now. We agreed to join them for tea.

We went to a coffee shop and spent some time there talking and drinking coffee but I became tired of that and asked T.K to leave there for home. But T.K and B liked each other so they stayed put and started romancing, finally they were kissing and did not try to leave. I was ashamed of her doing something like that and I did not want the men to think that I was the same as T.K. I really wanted to go home.

While I was waiting, another man, C asked me, “Can we also do that?” “I am different from T.K. If you want it, why not do it with her?” I said strongly. I thought he would get angry with me but he did not and said, “I see. I like you.” then he saw us off by chattering a taxi for us.

Indefinite Suspension From School


The following day T.K was at school before I got there and when she saw me, she started talking about B. I was not interested in her stuff. I did not know what happened after I left her the day before. She looked very happy because she was going to see B after school. She asked me to come with her. She said C wanted to see me very much. I was not interested in them at all. I saw her making up and she left me.

The following day she did not come to school. She did not come the next day, neither the day after. In the end people started a rumor that T.K had run away from home. I told our teacher about B because I was worried about her. The teacher asked for more detailed information about the day we met B but I did not even know very much. I was suspended from school indefinitely. I could not understand that. I thought it was too heavy a punishment but what I worried about more was how my family would think about me.

While I stayed at home because of suspension, my family insulted me too much as I expected. They told neighbors a lie to hide what I did. I felt bad and sad.

After three weeks police found her. I felt relieved. From the story I heard from people, B was yakuza, a Japanese gangster and he gave T.K some drugs to make her practice prostitution. When police found her, she was about to be sold by them. C was the senior of B. I was surprised to have heard that. It was like a drama for me.

T.K was also suspended from school. I was allowed to resume school before her. One day our teacher said, “T.K will be back after two days. Don’t provoke her because she would not to be in a good mood and she would be wearing wig because she dyed her hair blond and had cut the hair.

T.K came to school again. I tried to speak to her because I had been worried about her. She did not mind me and was talking about everything that happened to her to everybody as a cool experience. Besides she took her wig off to show people her short blond hair. She said, “The police shouldn’t have protected me. I would have come back by myself.” I got angry with her. I told her, ”I was warned and suspended from school because of you. I also wrote a promise note. I really hoped you were safe and fine and would come back. You should apologize to me.” T.K apologized to me but also she said, “You shouldn’t have told the teachers about me. I had a nice time with the men and they gave me much money. I want to go there again. They told me to come back if my parents get angry with me. She did not have any remorse about her crude behavior and did not know how much I had been thinking about her. Since then I did not move with her again.



Dismiss From School


There is one more story I want to talk about.

I had a friend called N.T in our class. It was known to all the classmates that she had a great interest in men. She liked money also and was doing “enjo-kousai”. One day she gave me a letter when classes started to tell me that she might be pregnant. She was telling me the same thing quite often so I did not take it seriously. But I knew one nurse who worked in obstetrics and gynecology hospital so I replied her by introducing the nurse to her. Our homeroom teacher found our letters and called us to the office. N.T told the teacher that was a joke. As a result I was the only one dismissed because I had been suspended before.

I was blacklisted because of my previous records. I had nowhere to go, even at home.

I got new friends and was moving with them. They taught me smoking in a pleasure resort on our way home. It was a bit exciting and adventurous for me.

One day the school authorities called us to question us about smoking. I was very honest. I told them I smoked. I did not want to tell a lie because my parents were always lying and I hated it. I was scolded, suspended from school for one day and wrote a letter of apology. I was the only student suspended because some did not tell the truth and some were protected by teachers of their clubs.

My mother asked me why I did not tell a lie but I never wanted to do that. I preferred to die than to lie. I knew it was bad to break the school rules like smoking, going to coffee shop, going to disco and so on but it was nothing for me. My opinion was that I should not bully weak people or take money from them.

Teachers who did not know me well considered me to be impudent. They believed that I was the cause of every bad thing and everything would go well if I was not there any longer in the school.

My parents did not listen to me and did not understand me. They just apologized to my teachers instead of trying to know the truth.



Don't Believe

I hate adults. I can't believe them.
They sometimes consider us adults and sometimes children.
They are really selfish.
They pretend to be good in public.
They try to please everybody.
Acutualy they aren't honest.
Don't believe dirty crestures.

If you believe adults, in the
end you have to cry.
What they say and what they
think are very different.
they sustigate children and
make fool of them behind them.
They have too much desire.
Children who believe adults have no hope.
Baby, how miserable you are!

I don't believe adults.
You might not, either.
Don't believe adults, cry baby.


House Arrest


When my parents got to know about my suspension from school, they became totally upset and were ashamed. Nobody listened to me in my family. They did not allow me to go out of house and made me stay indoors like a prisoner. They lied to neighbors that I was in some other relatives’ house and would go to school from there. Within the neighborhood there was no schoolmates of mine so nobody could know the truth.

Whenever I tried to say something to her, my mother would not listen to me and said, “I’m scared of you, my daughter. You are like a devil.” In public she would formulate a story, which was not true and tell it to people as if I was very good. At home she would complain to my father to alleviate her stress. At the same time my brother, Chikara was looking for a job. He did not pass the audition of Tokyo Philharmonic Orchestra. He told me, “You were suspended from school. It gave me a bad luck and I did not pass the audition.” He did not perform well himself and just was blaming me. My father also failed his driving test a couple of times and he gave up. He also blamed me. All of my family put their blames on me to alleviate their stresses. One day my mother fell down from stairs. I was not there but she said, “Because I was thinking about you, I fell down.” Besides they thought I was the cause of every bad thing and even the reason why my father and brother had slow reflexes was I. That was how they could be satisfied.



Born As a Burden


I was a burden to my parents before I was born. I was a breech baby and it made my mother suffer. She told me it was very hard and took much time to deliver me. They said that was why I had made her to suffer since I was in her womb. They also said I made my mother suffer when I was a baby, too. When my brothers were children, Ms. Sue, my aunt stayed with my family and took care of two of them, but when I was born, she had already got married and my mother took care of me while working. She said I disturbed her and cried too much. I think babies often cry because they cannot talk. My mother never understood babies at all even though she had three children.

When I started talking, she used to say, “Why can’t you speak clearly like your brothers? What do you want to say?” My parents kept on behaving like that and it made me nervous. They never understood me and did not advice me properly to make me build up my confidence but just insulted me. After the school’s suspension, my mother said, “I shouldn’t have delivered you.” “You should die.” or “I will kill you, a hopeless daughter.” My parents did not like whatever I did, and my behavior irritated them.

I did not know why things went like that. If they had not insulted me all that much and had found something good in me, I would have been far better. What was the different between my family and other families? I thought about it again and again but had no solution.



My Decision On Suicide


I was talking to your daddy to tie your neck with a towel and kill you while you were sleeping,” said my mother as if it was a joke. At first I could not understand what she said. “If I kill you, I will go to prison. But if you commit suicide, it will make all of us happy, will it not?” She said that with a grin and left me. I was shocked so stupefied by her words. “That’s it. I can run away from this world with suicide,” I realized.

Since then I started thinking about death realistically. I had no hope in my life and I thought my death would make everybody happy. When I thought about suicide, I became relaxed.

Even though my parents insulted me, I did not care because I could imagine that they would understand how much I had been suffering and would regret what they had done to me if I die. People would consider them to be nasty and irresponsible. This thought made me to feel like I had won.

I thought of many ways to die. When I was a child, a friend of mine told me that if I swallow clay, I would die. I did not think that was the right way. Hanging myself? I worried about the situation that I would become a vegetable. I just wanted to die instantly. Leaping to death? No, I did not like it. People would see my miserable look and I was scared of high place so much that I might not be able to do that. You may think I am funny but I was very serious. Gas poisoning? They might realize the smell easily. Running into a train? It would make my family pay so much money that they would bear a grudge against me. I did not like it. Since I was going to die, I should not have cared much about them but I just wanted them to regret and feel sorry about their life.

The Day I Cut My Wrist

When I was thinking of committing suicide, I became very sad. Why could I not receive blessing? I did not believe in any particular religion but believed that God created human beings and God should punish people who did something bad. None of my family was given any sort of punishment after a long suffering till when I was trying to kill myself. I just tried to be honest and wanted a warm family. Most of my friends had kind mothers, reliable fathers and helpful brothers or sisters, and they all could understand each other. After a long thought I found that cutting my wrist was the easiest way to die.

The day I decided to do that I cleaned my room in the morning, took out painkiller tablets and a razor I took from my mother’s dresser. Then I thought I would be happy the following day. I ate supper, went back to my room and wrote a suicide letter to my parents. I could not express my feelings well and in the end I just complained about them in the letter. I also wrote to my friends to say thank you and to my school to say I wanted to be there until graduation day.

While I was writing, tears fell from my eyes. It reminded me of my sad and terrible sixteen years. Why should I go through such a situation? When I finished writing, I made a bed, changed my clothes, forced down a box of painkiller tablets and held the razor.

However I was so scared of cutting my wrist that my hands began shaking. It was not easy. My whole body was also trembling with fear of death but I plucked up courage and slashed my wrist. The razor was very cold, blood came out of my wrist and I felt pain. “Good-bye everybody.” When I lay down, I became unconscious and fell asleep.



Why Could Not I Die?


I woke up the following day. I was alive. It was an attempted suicide. When I woke up, I looked at my wrist. There was a lot of blood on my arm and it was dried. I should have done it in a bathroom or somewhere that had water. I did it in my room and I was lying down on a mattress with my arm raised. I did not want my blood to soil the mattress because my mother had scolded me when I dirtied it. Although I tried to die, I cared about useless things such as my mum’s comments.

Somehow I thought it was good not to have died. I felt God might tell me to live longer. I thought God gave me the second life, so I should do my best not to regret any more. There might be something important to do in this world.

I do not think I really wanted to die. I lost hope because of my parents’ behavior and thought about suicide. I was foolish.

I had no idea why my parents behaved like that and they did not love me. Sometimes I thought that it was my fault. But when I cut my wrist, my negative mind was washed away with my blood. I was really happy. When I came out of my room, my parents scolded me, “How long do you have to sleep? You sleep too much.” But I did not care about their words. I had a slight headache because of the overdose of the painkiller, I think.



Love And Peace

People are fighting somewhere
in this world today
before their tears dry out

Love and peace,
too much happiness make them greedy
Love and peace,
too much love create hatred
Be more matured,
Tell me your heart

Are people fighting somewhere
in this world tomorrow, too?
They are not interested in what is going on
They do the same thing over again

Love and peace,
Who has a weak heart?
Love and peace,
What should I do?
Let's walk alone
Build up your courage.
There is nothing to be scared of


Change Of My Life


After some time I decided to be on my own. I did not go to school and my parents did not want our neighbors to know that. So I thought they would force me to obey their own rules. I did not want to follow their rules and stay with them.

I would rather look for a company, which had a dormitory than staying with my family. They were giving me too much trouble. I would be a bit lonely but could forget about them and would find a better future.

That was the first time to make my parents happy. I told them I was leaving home. Fortunately one boutique was looking for a living -in employee. I worried a little bit but believed that I could become happier than before. People there did not have any preconception about me and everything depended on my ability.

The boutique had some branches. In the beginning I worked at the head office. I did not like the place very much. Because of the same old customers everyday, it was a bit boring. I preferred to work in other branches where they had variety of customers. After some time the chief of one branch asked me to come and help them while they had a festival there. The branch was in a department store. The shop was very busy. There were so many boutiques and stylish people there that it seemed to be fun and exciting for me. I really liked the job and tried to work hard. I even decided to dream big to become a chief.

One day the chief said, “You work very hard and make big sales. I want you to work here.” I was very happy because I did not want to leave there. Surely people who were kind and friendly accepted me.

I really worked hard, our sales went up and the shop became one of the best branches. Finally I got another big chance; I was promoted to chief in another branch. I was young and did not have much experience but they believed I could manage that with their help. I was very happy and said, “Yes, let me do it.” I made my dream come true very fast. Working with people gave me lots of experiences. I found that I could get anything if I try really hard.



We Should Overcome our Weakness


If you are thinking of suicide, you should reconsider it. You should know that you could do anything if you really try hard. And you have to be able to say your opinion. You do not have to care about what people say about you. You just have to do the right things. It is not easy to change the status of your family but the status of friends can be changed. It is all up to you. First of all it is important to overcome your weaknesses. If somebody bullies you, you should pluck up your courage and challenge them instead of being patient. Your suicide makes your family or friends very sad. And people who bullied you wouldn’t feel anything.

Sometimes bullying comes from jealousness. Normally people bully somebody who is different from others. They are just jealous of him or her. I think people who bully have defective minds. They cannot feel for others. But you do not have to care about it. You just have to keep on making an effort. It gives you confidence and hope. I want you to tell people how much terrible bullying is.

Pure Diamond


First of all, let’s start from overcoming our weaknesses. Everybody has two personalities, a good one and a bad one. The good one tries hard all the time but the bad one tries to stop making an effort. “I don’t have to put myself in a difficult situation,” “Even though I don’t do that, somebody else can do that,” “I can’t be responsible,” “I just have to do what I want to do,” “I don’t like making an effort.” The bad personality one has these kinds of mind. You need effort and courage to build up a good image for yourself. You might seem to be nothing but just like a pure diamond. Surely you can polish yourself.

“I shouldn’t have been born.” I had thought like that before. But I had changed my mind. You should not be afraid to see what you used to be and take care of your future. You can surely find what you have to do in your life.



There Should Be Something That I Can Only Do

I stopped drinking Coke Cola
It's nothing to you,
but I can really see things
I couldn't see until now

Life is shining, happy life
There should be something that
you can only do
Life is shining, happy life
There should be something that
I can only do

I drank Coke Cola after a long time
I liked it so much before,
but now I have a great joy
in my heart more than
drinking Coke Cola

Life is shining, happy life
There should be something that
you can only do
Life is shining, happy life
There should be something that
I can only do



(3) You Are Surely A Swan


My Parents


I think environment has an influence on both parents and children.

My father, Shigeru was born in 1929. When he was a child, his father maltreated him. His father, Ryunosuke was born into a family, which was running textile industry, and they were rich. He was the second son and had brothers and sisters.

Ryunosuke fell in love with his wife, Shima but their parents did not allow them to get married. So two of them ran away to settle together. It was not easy for them to survive on their small money; in addition they had four children but were happy.

Their happiness never stayed long. When Shima delivered the last son, she passed away. He was so much depressed and sad that his hair started falling off. Nobody helped him, he drank so much that he could not take care of his children and his second son also died from malnutrition.

Since then things became worse and he maltreated his other son, Shigeru, my father. Ryunosuke was very kind to his daughter, Haru. “Haru is a girl. So I have to protect her.” He used to say. Shigeru was very friendly with Haru, even though his father discriminated against him. Still now Haru is very nice to my father.

My mother, Harue was born into a rich family in Hyogo prefecture in 1930. She was the youngest daughter of five brothers and sisters and they took good care of her. People said her elder sister, Fukiko was the most beautiful girl in their village but Harue was not. At first, Harue did not care much about it but people compare her with her sister so much that she thought she was inferior to her sister. She had two brothers. The first brother liked sports and entered the army. The second brother liked reading and writing poems. In the end both of them were conscripted into the army and died. When they were conscripted, their parents felt pity for them because they had not known women in their life. So they let them have physical relationship with their sisters. When my mother, Harue got to know it, she envied them because she never had such an opportunity. That might be the reason why she did not understand my feeling when I told her about the relationship between my brother and I. She might overlap her experience with mine.

One day a rich farmer requested her for marriage but she turned it down. She preferred going to the city. Somebody said, “You are not very beautiful so you’d better get married as early as possible while you have a chance.” But she tried to have her own way. She really wanted to experience a city life. One of her relatives became successful in fabric business in Kyoto and she was always thinking of marrying somebody there. One day a relative introduced her to my father, Shigeru who was doing business with them. Her family did not agree to her marriage because she was selfish and they did not think she would go well with him but finally she got married to him and experienced the city life she had been dreaming of.

Shigeru’s family was so poor that it was very hard for a newly married couple to make their life go well. Harue was so stubborn that she never came to her parents’ house even though she needed some help and it was fun for her to pretend to live happily. Shigeru also wanted to retaliate against people who made fool of his poverty. Two of them had the same sense of value.

They were such kind of people who just considered their children as tools to make themselves look good. I think my mother was not happy because she could not control me and she always blamed me to alleviate her stress.

Where Are Your Morals?


Finally I left my parents’ house and started working. I found that if I made an effort, I could get a chance and advice from people. I realized how terrible my family’s behavior was and how they maltreated me. I cannot remember how long they had been behaving like that. Actually two of them had problems. My mother was a woman who had no love and parental skills and my father was a man who was not loved by his parents and was maltreated. So he did not know how to love and care for. When such kind of parents tried to bring up their children, it is always difficult and disastrous. My mother took me as a wild pet. That is why she got angry when I opposed her. My father also could not go against her and pretended not to see the attitude of my mum as if I should be patient. He also knew nothing about parental care.

I could not always catch up with my brothers in everything. The first brother, Chikara was always the first in everything and I was the last. Chikara who was given the best in everything became a music teacher at junior high school in Kyoto city. I wonder what he is going teach children. I hope he would not destroy their future. Now he has a wife, a son and a daughter and they live happily. He never expressed any action on his own. He might be pretending to be a good husband or a good father. I wonder how he would feel and what he would tell his daughter if she is raped.

Men who are doing “enjo-kousai” should think more and young girls also have to think about it seriously. They just spend much money on very expensive brand goods, which are not necessary. They look strange. Some Japanese companies also create problems in the country and people are victims of these companies. They just produce too many things, which are unnecessary, using idols or famous people for advertisement and try to coax people into buying. They just think about their sales and there are no good morals here. They have to have good morals that are reputable and help to create healthy society. There might be some girls who cannot stop “enjo-kousai” though they want to stop it. That is very terrible.

These days I often think about the entertainment business. I always wonder how many people real entertainers are. I think they are just few. Some adults use young boys and girls who are just under eighteen for their businesses, they do not give them much education, they just call them “idols” and consider them toys. With reference to some newspaper or magazines there were sexual harassments against these idols. These adults were punishable but they went free. I wonder why. I think most wealthy people have wealthy allies who share secrets to maintain their wealth and reputation. I strongly feel our society needs to be cleaned to save the young folks.



Chains Of Maltreatments


Now I have a son who is a junior high school student. Just before he started going to elementary school, I divorced my husband. I took a decision on that with my son without telling my parents. My father was surprised and came to see me. I thought it was the time to tell him about the incident that occurred between my brother and me, and I told him everything. However he got to know what Chikara had done to me for the first time and understood how much I had been suffering. “I didn’t know that at all. Please forgive me. I’ll protect you from now on,” he said. That was the first time for me to get such kind words from him. I expected my parents to change their attitude. But he said,” Even though he apologizes to you now, nothing will change. It might even destroy his family. I don’t think you have to tell him about it now.” His words disappointed me once again.

After I divorced, I moved to Tokyo with my son and started a new life. I gave him a lot of love. When I remembered about my family, I felt sorry for myself. I really wanted my brother to apologize to me or I would never forget about that trauma. So I sent my parents letters and called them many times to tell them my feelings about that but they could not understand me. “Do you want to take money from him?” they asked me. That was the end of my relationship with my parents. They might think a happy family could be happy all their life and unhappy family have to be patient forever because that was the way they chose themselves. But I did not choose that dirty way by myself and they did not help me at all. If parents do not take good care of their children, the children can never be happy. Besides the parents cannot be happy, either because such kinds of children will hate them all their life.

What I worry about is those people who have problems like me get married and have children. It is difficult to know who is mentally sick and find good solution.

There are two different types of parents. One is a type of parents who were maltreated in their childhood and would definitely do the same to their children. The other is who learned from such maltreatment and never maltreats their children. When I think about lots of incidents, which happen in families, many cases seem to be similar to mine. If your parents maltreated you, you could be traumatized and could embarrass your children or yourself unconsciously. This problem is so deep that we should think about it seriously. However if it is not taken care of enough and if we abandon it, it will grow as serious as we cannot imagine.

Most children run out of patience easily and as a result there are a lot of criminal acts nowadays. When children run out of patience, their anger become more and more and nobody can stop it. I can understand their mind and emotions and anything can be happened in such a society.

Find A Dream


If you have been abused mentally or physically like me, what will you do to forget about your trauma? I suggest to you to remember everything that had happened to you, write them down and read them out. I have done that before. I wrote the differences between the relationship of my son and myself, and the one of my parents and myself. Furthermore I could organized a musical to educate some parents and also released a couple of CDs. Again I got a chance to publish this book. That is one of the solutions to such unwanted parental problems. Face our society. Focus on your dreams and work towards them.

I think you should not always be patient. You sometimes need to show some aggressiveness. You can oppose without using violence. It may relieve you from stress.

You can also find solutions with your new family’s help. Then you need conversation to understand each other.

It is important not to give up your worries and keep on doing what you believe in. One day you can see yourself to be mentally stronger. I want to keep on crating something to cheer people up. We have to take good care of our young ones who in the future would be leaders in Japan. I do not pretend not to see anything. I try to do my best.

If you sympathize with me, I believe you could make Japan and the world a better place to live in. Please do not think you are alone and look around. There are a lot of swans that can help you. You were just thinking you were an ugly duckling but surely you are a swan.



To My Loving People

(lyric & Music By Yuki Okada)

Nobody knows how many stars
are created in heaven
I also live in this world and
get all your love
The earth is warmheated but
people are embarrassing each other
Tell me your real mind

Have a smile that is better
than yesterday's
Don't be afraid of anything
I am with you

People who are afraid of death
are like spiritless
people who cannot move an inch
have lots of hope somehow,
think only of the present
and don't remember to pray
Don't run away from difficulties
Let's find happiness

Have a smile that is better
than yesterday's
Don't be afraid of anything
I am with you

On the occasion of publication of this translation, I dedicate my warm appreciative words to the following people. Mr. Felix Owusu & Ms. Koko Wada, Mr.George Yamazaki, Mr. Sumio Fujimoto and Mr. Hiroshi Kaito. Especially Mr.Felix Owusu & Ms. Koko Wada who spent a lot of their valuable time for this work. I will never forget their dedication.

	2004 published ”I escaped the cruelty death". Self-analysis of experience
	2006 published Ugly ducklings a revised edition.(English/Japanese/Comic) Autobiography by Yuki Okada
The purchase is possible from here. English version is also included.
Manual to solve the abuse problem success illustrative counseling
The purchase is possible from here